


Keep Tearing My Heart Now It's Open

by Very_Impractical_Girl



Category: Faith (Airdorf Video Game)
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gentle Kissing, Heart-to-Heart, Heartache, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Past Relationship(s), Religion, Religious Discussion, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Insert, Song Lyrics, it's complicated - Freeform, personal, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29817642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Very_Impractical_Girl/pseuds/Very_Impractical_Girl
Summary: Hahahaha umm this is a massive ass vent and very personal but I wanted to post it somewhere so uh.It's written in the style of an x reader because that makes it immersive for me. I don't know man, just ignore this if you think it's cringe plz. John is my comfort character and has really helped me the past month so uh genuinely thank you so much Airdorf. Takes place in the 80s like the game. Starts off with letters lol.Title and opening lyrics are from Nothing Inside by MGK.
Relationships: John Ward/OC, John Ward/Reader





	Keep Tearing My Heart Now It's Open

**Author's Note:**

> Brief notes  
> Yes, John has some chin stubble. I don't see him as a super clean cut priest, lol.  
> In my headcanon Karen was emotionally abusive/manipulative to John. Not ex-wife but still an ex that really hurt him.

_`~~John  
  
He looked dead  
into my eyes  
and  
He saw  
nothing inside  
~~` _

_Dear ______

_You haven't responded to me in a while, and I'm worried about you. I hope you're doing well and getting some fresh air. It understand it might be difficult for you to write at the moment, but I wanted to check in. I'm hoping that I can show you my Flock of Seagulls record soon._

_I'll be at the Pizza Hut on south street this Friday at around 5. If you would like some I would be more than happy to share with you._

_I look forward to seeing you again._

_Sincerely, John  
_

Damn him. You stood outside the Pizza Hut leaned up against the wall that was facing the parking lot, watching as the sky slowly started to change color as the sunset began. You were intent on locking yourself in your room for nearly the entire week but now you were outside. 

Baited by pizza.

The wind blew a piece of trash across the ground and you scowled just at the fact that people were still littering. You were obviously in a bad mood and had been festering in it all week. It was even noticeable in the way you were standing, still slightly hunched over. It took you a massive amount of energy to make yourself come outside. Seeing John approach you made you straighten up however, trying to hide the physical effect your sadness was taking on you. His Blue eyes were already so inviting. 

"___ how are you?" His voice was so incredibly soft it made your heart flutter inside your chest. 

"I'm uh, fine."

Your blatant lie is obvious.

"No you're not ." He didn't hesitate walking over.

You don't move away from him despite your unease. His mere presence already had a calming effect. He was wasn't in his priest clothing, instead he had on basic jeans and a grayish Blue blazer over a dark T-shirt along with the small golden cross necklace that he always wore when dressed casually. Keeping your eyes downcast you just stay still as he looks you over, knowing that you wouldn't outright state how you were feeling. You had no idea what the status between the two of you was at this point, but he was absolutely a dear friend, someone you felt you could tell anything to. 

Things shouldn't be so confusing. You _did_ like John and he had confessed to liking you. Simple enough. Then why did it still feel like your heart was being torn in two different directions? You felt guilty for moving on. You told yourself you'd wait for your ex to come back because your break-up was just a misunderstanding. It was your fault, the first time you've ever messed up, you didn't even realize your small comment would have such a big effect. He said he forgave you so you were going to wait, in hopes that he would want to try again. Wait as long as you had to. You didn't expect to start feeling better, you didn't expect John....

The fact that his hair was nearly the same as your ex's probably added to your hearts confusion. At least it was a different color.

"I bet he doesn't even care that I haven't written him." you managed to get out. "He probably hasn't even noticed. He said he still cares about me but..." 

The priest's head lowers and you get the feeling that he isn't sure what to say. 

"He dropped you so quickly...I don't get-" 

"I know but it was my fault." you felt the need to reiterate this. 

"You didn't even do it on purpose..." He says quietly. "Compared to Karen you're an angel."

You actually agree with that statement, shuddering at her name.. Deep down you thought you should have been given a second chance, while the other half of you was certain that you deserved to be unhappy. You were a socially inept moron. Then you took notice that you and John were standing incredibly close to each other and you didn't exactly mind...

"...It's his loss....right?" That came out quietly and you swear there's just a touch of anger in his voice. There's not a doubt in your mind that John wouldn't have left you over one mistake.

For whatever reason your emotions started pouring out of you.

"I know I shouldn't care anymore, I should be happier now but..." you whimper and your mind still takes you back to the day. "It's not fair, why was I so stupid??" 

Wet tears fall from your eyes despite your attempts to force them back.

"I just don't get it..." you say quietly and, despite yourself, bring God into the conversation "Why? Why would he let me meet someone so perfect and then take it away?" 

You felt stupid and embarrassed crying in front of him like this. But to your utter surprise he lightly takes your head in his hands and you feel his lips gently graze over one of your eyes.

Cheeks flushing, you felt like you couldn't move for a second. _Did he just...._ Your hands wrapped around his forearms keeping him close to you, and it feels like a smile forms on his lips. You don't mind letting the moment last for a bit and open an eye, admiring the cute stubble on his chin.

"I'm so... _mad..._ " Probably the absolute weirdest thing to say to someone so involved with the church. Admitting that you were pissed off at the Almighty.

"I know. I was too. It's ok." 

You're suddenly pulled into a hug and are briefly confused for a second. 

"It's alright dear, you can cry. Promise."

Despite still being hesitant you let yourself sob lightly into his shoulder. You feel him gently rub your back before playing with your hair, which makes you melt internally. Your immediate reaction is to squeeze him even tighter. For right now, everything felt alright. He holds onto you for a while longer before looking at you again.

"I'm about to say something I should never say as a priest."

"Oh?" 

"You can be mad at the Lord for now. I know it probably feels impossible to understand, I had to struggle with that as well..." 

His statement makes you blink in surprise. Wow, a priest saying that. He continued. 

"I feel like you're going to come around."

"You do? How come?"

"Because you still seek him." He says with a smile, and admittedly he wasn't wrong about that. You both had quite a few Biblical discussions together, and you were certain of His existence, even though you disapproved of a lot of Catholic and Christian rules and mindset. And the fact that John seemed to acknowledge that as something did mean a lot. "And if I may....I will pray for you." 

"Okay, fine." you push him a bit in a playful manner. He runs a hand through his hair, seeming almost giddy. Or just happy to be around you. 

"I can still buy you dinner, yes?"

"Yeah...and John?" You feel your hand reach other and clasp into his. It sort of just happened, with you not having thought about it, but it made you smile. John looks at you in surprise and he's pretty clearly blushing. _So cute._

"Thank you."


End file.
